It takes work to build better relationships with those closest to you. For many of us, we let the pressures of life slowly chip away at them. If we aren’t careful what were once small cracks will widen into large chasms between two people. Before we know it, we are left in a broken relationship swimming in a pool of regret, resentment and hurt.
The good news is that if we are willing to put in the effort and act with intentionality, we can take steps to mend what was once broken.
In this article, I will walk you through a six-step approach that has helped me to maintain healthy relationships and mend even my most broken of ones.
1. Ask for God’s Help
Healing a strained relationship starts by asking yourself this one question,
“Where is God in this relationship?”
When you find yourself at a dead end in a relationship not knowing where or how to start the mending process, God is calling you to turn to him for help. He wants you to send up the brokenness to him and allow him to be part of the equation.
For years I have wanted a better relationship with my parents. I yearned for a relationship where I felt at ease in their company without any walls between us. Those walls were reinforced by my own judgments, guilt, and anger.
As hard as I’ve tried to power through those walls, my efforts alone were not enough. I needed a more powerful tool.
That tool was God. It wasn’t until I turned to Him for help that the healing process began. One night, I knelt down in prayer and asked him to smooth the hard edges of my heart, to melt away the negative emotions I had toward my parents.
That is the moment the healing process began. However, God didn’t hand me a perfectly wrapped relationship on a silver platter. Instead, He asked me, “Who built this brick wall that you keep running into?”
God showed me that I was the wall builder, and I alone had the power to destroy it.
2. Look Inward
God called me to look inward first, to see my missteps within the relationship. Up until this point, my focus was on all the things I wished my parents had done differently. I judged them and expected them to change. This strategy was like waiting for a ship that was never coming.
I realized that the roller coaster ride of anger and then guilt started with my own judgments.
I could only get off that toxic ride if I let go of my judgments first. To do that, I needed God’s help. That is when I asked God to forgive me for all of the times I had judged my parents and lashed out in anger when their behavior didn’t reflect my expectations of them.
It was then that I felt God heal my heart and start to melt the walls of judgment that I had built. I felt a softening towards my parents and knew that our relationship would finally start to heal.
I challenge you to look inward first when navigating a difficult relationship. Instead of focusing on how others may have wronged you, take back control. Focus on areas within yourself that you can improve.
3. Seek to Understand not Judge
It is only after breaking down the self-made walls that you can begin to build a bridge in a relationship. Bridge building starts by viewing the behaviors and actions of others through the lens of understanding not judgement.
How do we start to understand others? First, we acknowledge that we are all broken and when we make poor decisions, it is because we are operating out of that brokenness.
Understanding how someone else’s brokenness was weaved over time is key to healing a relationship. Ask them questions and challenge yourself to dig deeper than your surface level understandings of their behavior.
Once you start to understand where someone’s brokenness comes from, you will be better equipped to offer empathy and compassion instead of judgment.
When I’m with my parents now, I ask them questions about their childhood and the relationship they had with their parents. The stories they have shared with me have helped me to connect the dots between how they behave as parents and how they were treated as young children.
This understanding has led to empathy – the realization that we are all imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world just doing the best we can.
The best you can do is different than the best someone else can do. Instead of judging others for not being like you, you can seek to understand them. Replacing judgment with understanding is key to building a better relationship.
4. Forgive Yourself First
The lens of understanding opens your heart to forgiveness. Once you realize that everyone is just doing the best they can given their circumstances and upbringing, you can start to forgive them.
It is important to remember that the process of forgiveness starts with God. I first sought God’s forgiveness for my missteps. By forgiving myself, I was then able to forgive those that have hurt me.
Let’s be clear here, forgiveness does not mean staying in toxic relationships. Some people may not be willing to change and may hurt you repeatedly. In those relationships, it is best to build boundaries or exit them completely. It is up to you to decide which relationships add value to your life and are worth mending.
5. Release the Pressure and “Just Be”
Empathy and forgiveness allow us to truly see another person for who they are. It changes the way we show up in our relationships. We can let go of our reservations and just enjoy each other’s presence.
Careful to avoid any landmine conversations, I used to feel pressure to say and do the right things whenever I spent time with my parents. This was preventing me from just relaxing and enjoying their company.
I realized this when my dad said to me one day, “We don’t have to do anything. I just like being with you.” In that moment, I thought, “Wow, is that all he really wants? Just to be with me”
In that one statement, my dad showed me that all he wanted of me was my time, the most important currency we can give. Sometimes just being present with someone and offering them your full attention is enough.
Time is the most valuable form of currency we can give to someone.
This new perspective has changed the way I show up with my parents. I now treat the limited time I have with them through the lens of gratitude – for the simple gift of each other’s presence.
6. Make the Effort
Maintaining strong and healthy relationships takes work. Unintentionally, we may get lost in the pressures of the daily grind and forget to pause for the ones we love. We take them for granted. If we are not careful, cracks of disconnection will start to enter a relationship and widen over time.
To avoid this trap of complacency, I challenge you to put yourself in the shoes of your most important relationships. Ask yourself if those people feel cared for by you? If the answer is no, start jotting down ways to water those connections.
Start with small simple gestures. Write your husband thoughtful notes and put them on his bathroom mirror in the morning or cook him his favorite meal. Spontaneously call a close friend to ask them how they are doing or ask them to grab a cup of coffee on a lunch break. You will be surprised at how impactful small simple gestures can strengthen your marriage and friendships.
It is by consistently watering our relationships with small efforts of care that they will grow and thrive.
Conclusion
I challenge you to take a look at the most important relationships in your life. Are there relationships that would benefit from this six-step process?
If so, start by looking inward towards your own self-made walls and ask for God’s healing. He will give you the tools you need to start building bridges to the ones you love.
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