By now you have probably heard “It takes a village” or you need a “mom tribe” more times than you care to recall. I get it, motherhood gets lonely and a village would certainly be nice. But where the heck do I find this tribe of mom friends that everyone keeps talking about?
Making new friends as a mother of young children is hard. Your high school or college friends may have moved far from you by now. Most of your time is likely consumed by work and household duties. And when you do find a potential group of mom friends, it may be hard to see where you fit into already established connections.
Not only is it hard to find your people, it’s also scary. The fear of being accepted for who you are is always lurking.
For all those reasons, you may want to retreat and tell yourself you don’t need friends at this stage in life. You may also say to yourself, I have my family and that’s enough. Yes, your family is enough. But having true friends can bring an extra layer of joy that enriches your life in many ways. Taking a step out of your comfort zone to find those friends will be well worth the effort.
Making True Friends Requires Courage
In Brene Brown’s best-selling book, Braving the Wilderness, she says “we are wired for belonging” and “Our neural, hormonal, and genetic make-up support interdependence over independence.”
Social connection is crucial to our well-being. However, not just any connection will do. As we get older, we don’t have much time for surface level friendships. A few fair-weather friends are great. But the true treasure is having one or two mom friends that will answer the phone at an odd hour in the night if something is bothering you or you need help.
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9
To find true friends, we must step out of our comfort zones and stop waiting for them to just appear. It is the friends that we intentionally find and pursue that develop into long lasting friendships.
Here are some steps that have helped me to grow organic friendships and develop lasting connections in motherhood.
1. Be Vulnerable
One key lesson from Brene Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness” is that you must belong to yourself first before belonging to others. This is the first step to creating true connections. She says “true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
Being who we are requires us to be vulnerable. This takes courage. Once you are brave enough to take that step, to be who you are, imperfections and all, that is when true friendships are formed.
One good friend is worth more than a dozen fake friends.
If you are not yourself from the start, you will find yourself making mom friends based on false pretenses. Those friendships will fizzle out fast and leave you wanting for more.
The real you will come out at some point, so why not be that person from the start? Skip the step of offering up surface level pretenses, requiring others to chip away at the real you. Life is too short for that. Be you from the start.
2. Start Small
Finding your people takes creativity.
Start by making a list of all the places potential friends may be –your church, the gym, the sidelines of your child’s sports games, neighborhood events, etc. Be brave and spark a conversation with someone in one of those circles.
If you have a hard time making this list, think of hobbies you’d like to pursue. It may be yoga, a bible study, or a book club. This is a good way to connect with other women who have similar interests.
“Friendship is often born where need and compassion intersect.”
Lisa Brenninkmeyer, “Ordering Your Priorities, Building a Life Well Lived” Bible Study
Founder of the Walking with Purpose Bible Study program, Lisa Brenninkmeyer says ” I have found that one of the best ways to make a friend is to look for ways that I can serve in my church, kids’ school, or community.” She suggests asking yourself, “Who do you see needing to be helped up? Where can you show up and offer comfort or practical help?”
After you have found one or two people that you have connected with, ask them to join you for a cup of coffee, a walk, or lunch.
Starting small and reaching out for one-on-ones is how friendships grow organically.
3. Be Open Minded
As you start to navigate social circles in search of new mom friends, don’t fall into the trap of only seeking out like-minded people. Friendships rich in diversity challenge us to view life from various perspectives. This is how we grow.
When you judge someone, you will never get past the surface level. Instead of judging them, give them a chance. Ask yourself, what can I learn from this person? Get curious about them. Ask them questions and see where the conversation goes.
We want friends that challenge us to view life from another lens, friends that teach us more than we could have ever learned on our own. These are the friends that will truly enrich our lives and make us a better version of ourselves.
Seek those that will make us better versions of ourselves.
4. Put in the Effort
With anything in life, we get out what we put in. We can’t expect to maintain friendships if we don’t put any work into them.
Like plants, friendships need to be watered and nurtured or else they dry out.
Many of us fall into the trap of thinking that we don’t have time for friendships. Then we use that as an excuse for not having them at all.
You may be struggling with mom burnout and thinking, “I can hardly find time for my own family. How am I supposed to find time for friends?” It is possible. As moms, we sometimes carry unnecessary guilt that time spent away from home is taking away from precious family time. Let the mom guilt go.
I’m not saying spend more time with your mom friends than you do with family. I’m saying carve out some time every now and then. Your husband can put the kids to bed too.
Nurturing friendships doesn’t have to take up a lot of our time if we focus on simple more meaningful gestures. If you know a friend is having a hard week, drop off dinner. Send them a text to let them know you are thinking of them. Find spontaneous breaks in your day to grab lunch or go for a walk.
I’ll always remember how thoughtful it was when one of my neighbors stopped by my house with a bag of chocolate chip cookies because she knew I was having a hard week at work. It was such a simple yet impactful gesture because it showed that she cared.
5. Take the Pressure Off
I’ve made many mistakes in my journey to finding true friends – not being vulnerable and showing up as my authentic self from the start, attending large social gatherings but not reaching out for one-on-ones, not putting the work in to nurture friendships, and so on…
I didn’t give up. Once I discovered a more organic recipe to finding and developing friendships, I began to make traction. You will too, if you put in the effort. Showing up as your true self is the first step.
Don’t be discouraged if you take all the right steps and still end up empty handed. Some people just aren’t meant to be your friend. Trust that God is leading you to those who are.
6. Stay Close to Your Most Important Friend
As you embark on this journey to enrich your life with true and authentic friendships, keep one thing in mind – you are never alone. Jesus is your one true friend who will always be by your side. He will guide you into the friendships that are just right for you. In the meantime, have patience and enjoy the connections you make along the way.
For more tips on building better relationships, read these articles –
Build Better Relationships by Asking Yourself This One Question
leave a comment